As I sit here, my 10 day old daughter lays on my chest. My eyes hidden from my keyboard, blocked by her tiny little body. She loves to be held. Loves to be wrapped tight and held onto.
This past week and half has been more overwhelming than I could have ever imagined. I’m still sifting through the changes, brought on by the birth of a tiny human being that is mine to nourish and nurture.
Nothing can prepare you for these weeks. And I’m sure they look different for everyone. But for me, it has been a storm of change and processing.
Beginning at the hospital, our tumultuous start didn’t set my feet on solid ground. Our tiny babe being whisked away to NICU and away from our watch set both of us up for difficult days.
So we hit the reset button when we came home. We sat together, and breathed together. We learned to build a wall around us so we could just BE and figure this new family thing out.
I’ve been so blessed to have family here to cook and clean and protect us from all the things that are not healing and recovering and bonding and resting. All of these things are needed so much, and there should be no pressure to let them go before you’re ready. Heal. Recover. Bond. Rest. Do nothing else and do not feel shame or guilt. Feel like you’re doing what’s best for your family. Because, you ARE.
Being a new Mom is not easy or simple. It is complicated and hard all wrapped up in confusion and worry and fear.
This gift, I have prayed for. But even good gifts come with difficulty in receiving them. I have cried more tears than I care to admit, feeling waves of overwhelming emotions between the sleepless nights. I look at our daughter and feel swept away in love and engulfed in fear and worry at the same time.
It is beautifully brutal, this parenting thing. It requires a complete and utter loss of self. You have to give into it completely or feel torn apart. So I am learning to lean into the waves, and let them wash over me.
I will not drown.
“23 Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:23-26