Category: Spirituality

Season of Healing

I’ve already posted about Grace in Hardship, but it seems that I still have more lessons to learn. GOOD lessons! See, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve endured a lot, and now I am healing a lot. And man, oh, man, is God showing me a lot of beautiful things because of it.

1.) Healing takes time. I’ve often thought when having to “work through something” that the process should just GO QUICKER. I mean, once I’ve decided to forgive someone, can’t that issue just go away? Or once I’ve realized that God’s healing a wound from my past, can’t it just be healed, like immediately?  But just like our physical wounds don’t heal immediately, neither do our emotional ones. And why is that? For me, I’ve found that that’s God’s GRACE. Oh how beautiful and sweet it is. My healing process is slow, and it’s painful, and it is freeing. It’s God leading me by the hands slowly. I get the picture of a small child holding her father’s hand while they walk through a dark room to get outside, where it’s light and refreshing. You walk slowly, and he guides you because you’re scared and unsure and sometimes, it just takes time. The Father knows what’s best, he sees the other side, and he knows how to get there. You just gotta keep holding his hand and follow, whatever that pace may be.

2.) I am not broken. For a REALLY REALLY long time (okay, up until two days ago) I had this sinking fear that I am completely broken and always will be. That the moment I think I’m healed and healthy, some other nasty and ugly thing will poke it’s head out and prove me wrong. That I’m doomed to fear and failure. That, perhaps, I’ll just have to learn how to cope better. But a wonderfully wise woman reminded me that we are NEW CREATIONS and we were created in His image. That God’s plan is to redeem us and bring us a new life, life that if full of hope and purpose. Not doom and gloom. So even though I’m flinging off the muck from my past, eventually, that muck will end. And sure, I’ll probably acquire some new muck along the way, but it certainly will not be as difficult as the muck that’s been buried deep for a really long time.

3.) It’s not about where you’ve been, or even where you are. It’s about how far you’ve come and where you’re going. I heard this football analogy recently, and while it may not be the BEST, it’s a good visual. Imagine your life is like a football field, and the whole purpose is to get to the other side to score a touchdown. Some people start out by getting the ball on the 25 yard line and some people get the ball in the parking lot! But if you’re moving forward, yard by yard, you’re all in the same race, wherever you first got the ball. So, I may have gotten the ball way back on the 2 yard line, but I shouldn’t be discouraged. I’m MOVING FORWARD.  And I have people helping me make the right plays to advance. (Gah, I love when I can tie God in with Football.)

4.) Not everything is God’s will, but God uses everything for His purpose. It’s easy to be angry about sins that are committed against us, pain that people caused and walked away from without a scratch to themselves. It’s easy to be bitter and scream at God “WHY!?!?” But “why” is the wrong question for me to be asking. There may not even be an answer as to why, or the answer may be incredibly complicated. Perhaps I’ll find that out someday, but for now, my question is “So, what now?” How do you heal this and use this? How can this be for you? I have amazing people around me who have experienced tremendous pain, and that pain, the story of healing from that pain has helped heal my own. I’ve developed community and known a deeper more tender side of God because of it. I honestly don’t know that I would opt out of those experiences if I couldn’t keep what I have now…Community, relationships, love, wisdom, faith…those things I treasure and I LOVE that they have come from an ugly place. It reminds me of how nature rebuilds itself. Forest fires result in MORE LIFE and FRESH GROWTH. Often, when we abandon something, nature takes over and makes it even more beautiful (I could babble on forever about the parallels of our physical world with our emotional and spiritual ones. I LOVE IT.)

Yeah, there’s a lot of lessons. And I’m sure there’s more to come…

My Wedding

ImageMy Wedding was beautiful and it was sweet and simple and lovely. But a part of me wasn’t THERE for my wedding. I have, what can best be described as, a kink in my emotional connections. Even after only being married for less than a year, I already look back at my wedding and think it would have been different if I had been different. If I had been more present emotionally, perhaps I would of had a different experience.

None of this has anything to do with the man I married. Or, perhaps it has everything to do with him. He is the most wonderful, loving and loyal husband that I could ever ask for. He is a GIFT to me and I have no idea how or why he chose the broken mess that is me, but he did, and I am so BLESSED because of it! But part of my story, part of what I am walking through is this irrational fear of abandonment and my (seemingly) innate ability to literally “disconnect” emotionally when I fear it’s possibility.  At the time of our wedding, I wasn’t even aware that I did this, and that what I was feeling (or lack thereof) wasn’t normal. I wondered why I didn’t have that boisterous enthusiasm that I’ve seen in so many other brides. I thought perhaps it was nerves or just me. Yeah, I think I thought it was just me. I WAS UNABLE TO BE EMOTIONAL and I felt so abnormal because of it.

I made a lot of decisions mostly because I didn’t know what to do and the thought of making decisions entirely on what I wanted was overwhelming. I mean, how was I supposed to know what I WANTED? I didn’t even know who I was. I knew how I wanted people to see me, so that is what I did. I chose themes and images and decorations and songs based on how I wanted people to see me. Sure, I liked most of it, but it definitely wasn’t UNIQUE to me. I didn’t feel like it had that quirky part of me in it. It was safe, and presentable.

The funny thing is, it took getting married and it took this wonderful man who confronts my crazy to realize the deep rootedness (rootedness?) of these things. To realize that I struggle A LOT with being vulnerable and sitting in that vulnerability. Vulnerability makes me want to hide or run. Preferably both. and I was making this choice to open up my whole life, forever, to someone that is promising to never leave me. That takes a lot of trust and believe you me, A LOT of vulnerability and it was terrifying. At the time, the only way I could handle it was by disconnecting. My heart mourns for the wedding that could have been had I BEEN there.

But, I have to have peace. I can look at those pictures of us and see a huge mark in our story. The day that I began to find myself. The day that I chose to drop my fear, or at least hold it with my hands open and say “I can’t let go just yet, but I know that I don’t want this.” It marks the beauty that is marriage and the holiness that is the fruit of marriage. I remember being told that marriage isn’t intended to make you happy, it’s intended to make you Holy. Sounds scary, but me being more Holy is me being more like Jesus, and there is nothing more satisfying than that.

So, although my wedding day wasn’t exactly how I expected it would be, I know that I WASN”T how I expected to be. But because of that day and the vows that were made, I am different. It was like diving into the deep end and being strengthened by the struggle. I regret nothing except that I would have found freedom earlier. But that is a very slow and very tedious process for me; one that I’m happy to have Geoff on the journey with me for. I am thankful for that wedding day, and I am thankful for the journey it began.

Modern Woman

I had a rough realization this morning. I AM NOT AT HOME. But, how can I be “at home” when my life demands that I be elsewhere?!

Let me explain my lingo. We are going through a “journey” at church called “A Journey Home.” It’s a series designed to help us understand how we view God and how we view ourselves all through this idea of feeling at home. The first week, we listed places that made us feel at home, like being surrounded by people we know, being with my husband, being alone in the woods. When you feel “at home”, you feel peaceful, known & loved, fully dependent on God, joyful, patient, trusting, building into friendships…When you don’t feel at home, you feel anxious, jealous, judgmental, power driven, manipulative,worried you’ll run out, passive aggressive, insecure, abandoned, alone.

This morning, Geoff had to prepare our crock pot meal while I was getting ready for work. The morning ran by fast and I just didn’t have time to put everything together. I stood in the bathroom feeling terrible. One of my GREATEST desires is to be a wife and a homemaker. Geoff gets to provide by working hard, paying for our home and providing physically. I desire to provide for our family by making meals, keeping up our house and making it into a home. But I can’t do that if I have to spend 9 hours of my day sitting at a desk in some stuffy office that makes me feel uneasy. I certainly do not feel at home here.

It is SO FRUSTRATING to feel like my only purpose right now is to pay for my student loans and I can’t do a lot of things that bring me joy. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually love cooking meals. I like learning about seasonings and how to prepare different types of food. I love being able to eat and enjoy what I prepared and seeing the look of satisfaction as my company enjoys what I made. I hate getting off work and feeling too exhausted to wipe down baseboards, do laundry or even cook dinner. How do women do it all?!

Maybe I’m just not superwoman. Maybe I’m weak or incapable of working and keeping a home. But I certainly feel like I’m failing at what brings me the most satisfaction. I know that staying at home and practicing home-cooked meals is not the fire that burns in all womens hearts, and I get that. But for me, this has been a very new and very real discovery. I see Ree Drummond (thepioneerwoman.com) and think about how BEAUTIFUL that life is! She LOVES to cook for her family and take pictures of them, soaking in the stories and moments that just happen. And she was even able to find a way to provide for them by doing so! Seems like a wild and crazy fantasy.

I want to be in a place that feels like home. But, I don’t know how to do that when I feel required to be somewhere else. I feel required to be in a job that pays well but doesn’t necessarily feed ME. If I do what I love or what I would like, then we crash financially. I’m sure there are lessons to be learned in this, but I’m mostly waiting for it to be over. Hospitality fuels me. And I feel forced away from it. Like I’m looking at this delicious apple pie and being forced to eat crackers.

There’s a lot of holes in my thoughts and a lot of things that I think / feel that I can look back on and offer my own “wisdom.” Like when Paul said that he was content whatever the circumstances. Or in Phillipiannes, when it says to be anxious about nothing, but rejoice in everything. Or when God tells us that if we delight ourselves in Him, then He will give us the desires of our hearts. Those are all the things I know, but they are not what I FEEL. I’ve always wanted people to see me as a woman who was close to God and sought his heart. Full of wisdom and knowledge. I’m kinda getting over it. If I’m never REAL, then I’m never going to be able to work through the ugly. And then it just get’s uglier. I am NOT okay with that. So, here it is, my UGLY.

I feel abandoned. I feel like God blesses all these other people and opens doors for them that help them feel satisfied and fulfilled, and I’m swimming against the current to keep my head above water. I wonder if God will ever allow me to be in a place of pure contentment; If I am worthy of providing help to people. I feel like I have to EARN EVERYTHING and if I have SOMETHING, if I don’t keep working to pay it off, it will be taken away. So this morning, I was angry at God because I feel like He is holding back on me.  I don’t feel good enough to eat the Apple Pie.

A comment was left on my blog yesterday by my WONDERFUL mother-in-law that just came to mind. “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions; wait for hope to appear.” Lam 3:28, 29. And the scripture in Luke, “Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied.” Yes, God is good. I believe that He will give me hope and satisfy me. I need to lean into Him a little more and a little more often.

 

***P.S. If you’d like to check out more of this “Journey” I’m babbling about, you can view it here: http://makethejourneyhome.com/

Grace In Hardship

A lot of times in my life, and in the life of my community, it seems like God works in themes. In my small group last week, we talked a lot about hardship, and it is most definitely a concept that I have been walking through. A lot of times, I feel like hardship is unfair and nothing but difficult. But I’m learning to understand that God sees it differently. Scripture says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and the further I press into God the more I see that to be true.
Take hardship. We all have it, we all experience it. It is not something that we experience once and then never again. Hardship will weave in and out of our lives in different intensities with different circumstances. And God allows it. I don’t believe that God allows it because He is cruel, or because we are unprotected even; I think God allows it because we are flawed and there are lessons to be learned from it.
Have you ever met an adult that grew up in a wealthy distant family, who had no struggles, nothing he had to work for, no cares in the world. Now how many of those people, who raised that way, have you met that were loving, kind and giving? Not many. Check this out:
“You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus…Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer. Similarly, if anyone competes as an athelete, he does not receive the victors crown unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into this.” (2nd Timothy 2:1-7)
What does this say to you? To me, it says 4 things:
1.) God gives us grace. There is a special grace that is available to us in the midst of hardship! God wants us to lean into Him and receive this from Him. He loves us and will see us through.
2.) Hardship clarifies our mission. We are soldiers of Christ, and our mission is to serve Him. Whatever our commander wants us to do, wherever He wants us to be, that’s where we’re at. Something about going through difficulty sobers us. Helps us snap back to reality that we are here to serve Christ and to love others.
3.) Hardship develops personal & spiritual discipline. Whenever I’m going through something difficult, that’s when I lean into God the most. It’s when I grow the most. God uses these times to draw us close to Him, because that’s where we find freedom and grace. Embrace it 🙂
4.) There are rewards. Think back in this past year of your life. What were some of the best parts and the worst parts? It was funny to me how some of the most troubling times led to some of the best things. We work hard, we receive a share of the crops.
GOD IS GOOD.