I’m Failing. And It’s Okay.

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Pictured here is my bible propped up on a Boppy pillow, my coffee balanced on a (fantastic) book I’m reading for work, and what you don’t see is, surrounded by partially folded laundry. I haven’t actually showered in 3 days, I have zero groceries in the house, and my to-do list just KEEPS PILING.

But this is what my days look like right now. All of my roles, a Mom/wife/employee colliding into each other on a regular basis.

So I’ve began starting my days with this. I won’t open my work computer, fold the laundry or even brush my freaking teeth, until I’ve had my cup of coffee and spent some time with Jesus. Today that looked like 5 minutes of a sermon, and mostly journaling. I needed it to be personal, raw, vomiting my feelings towards Him and then receiving what He has to say back. I have a lot of those, feelings, and He’s the only one that can handle them.

I keep thinking about that quote from Martin Luther, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” I’m trying to live like that.

I have no idea how to get done all that I need to. My agenda for the day is derailed more often than it is followed . (Let’s be real, I have a 6mth old. It’s never followed.)

But I do know that I need to have the discipline to quiet myself before God on a regular basis, have HIM lead my day. I need to know what He has to say to me, His voice is the most important. I have a million things demanding my attention, but I can’t listen to them all at the same time.

I have to be okay with failing. With not being Mega Meagan. I’m not going to get to that email. We have to order pizza…again. But I’m going to seek after Jesus, I’m going to stare into my baby’s eyes several hours a day, and I’m going to have long talks with my husband after long days.

I have to remind myself constantly that I don’t have to keep up. That the fear of man is real, but it is not okay. People might think I’m lazy. Or selfish. Or incompetent.

But am I obedient?

Am I doing and being where God has me be?

I love what John Mark Comer said, “God is involved in your story to the degree that you open up your life to His discipleship.”

If I’m being honest, I’m still deciding the degree to which I want God to write my story. I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zones and letting Him take over. My nature is to take hold, be independent, and just do it myself. I need expectations, controllable results. But He doesn’t work like that. I’ve never regretted falling into His arms and letting Him carry me.

And right now, He’s asking me to make room for Him. To let something else fall apart so that I don’t. So here I am. Surrounded my partially folded laundry, a cold cup of coffee, and my Bible. Writing out my prayers. Listening for His voice. Ignoring those emails and text messages. (Okay, I answered ONE. I’m not perfect.)

I am a follower of Jesus first, a wife second, a Mom third, and everything else falls in line after that.

“If you love me, show it by doing what I’ve told you.” John 14:15 (MSG)

 

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I am undone.

I have wept. I have watched in awe as someone’s world crumbles, literally, around them. Yesterday I held my daughter and prayed for the babies who lost their Mamas, for the Mamas who lost their babies, the siblings who had to witness the death of their family.

I’m having a hard time fathoming this reality. As I sit in my warm(ish) home in Michigan, my daughter asleep, my heart feels torn to pieces that there are little ones out there with no Mom or Dad to bundle them up and protect them. Teenagers forced too soon to grow up out of survival; to fend for and provide for their now orphaned siblings.

I can not write anything else without first acknowledging the darkness.

We are called to be the hands and feet of the church. We don’t look away from darkness, we RUN TOWARDS IT and shine our light; scattering whatever darkness tried to settle in.

While I can’t be there in person, I can support those who are. Preemptive Love Coalition is helping thousands of families stay warm and fed. They are on the ground floor, face to face, with the people you and I can only read about.

Every day is a chance to GO BE THE CHURCH. Sometimes it looks like showing up physically, with our time and our person. And sometimes it looks like showing up with our resources.

Consider doing something about it. If not through Preemptive Love, then find something. The Compassion Collective (created out of “Together Rising” which is ran by Glennon Doyle Melton. Theology aside, she’s showing up to battle here) uses 100% of donations towards the Syrian refugee crisis. If you want more, Here’s a list of other ideas.

Don’t let your light sit inside the walls of your home. Take it out, let others see it, and scatter the darkness.

A Hopeful Bookworm

fullsizerender-8Have you ever pictured your future? Have you ever imagined specific moments that you might have?

This right here, is one of mine.

I have always loved to read. Trips to the library are a part of my favorite memories. I spent hours upon hours in the library, absorbing the stories and soaking up the smell. If you’ve never picked up an old book and smelled it, you don’t know what you’re missing.

But this moment right here, sharing something I love with someone I love, I have pictured thousands of times. My daughter is extra observant, just like her Daddy. She sits and stares at the pages, enthralled with the colors and the flipping of the pages. The moment the book opens, her eyes are locked. And my heart is full.

I always knew & believed that I would be a Mom, and I hoped that it would be like this. I am so grateful that I was able to brave the waters of loss and then get to embark on this new journey.

Whatever “hope” you have this season, if it is a hope that you have prayed for, a hope that you believe God has given you, don’t lose heart. He is a PERFECT Father, and what Dad promises a gift that he does not intend to give?

Pray. Petition. Knock down doors. But do not give up. The same God that rescued His people over and over is the same God who will rescue you.

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.”  – Exodus 14:13

The Discipline of Silence

7os_26cb1wo-griffin-keller.jpgSilence. Rest. Rhythm. I crave and need these things, but always seem to be running from them. It boggles my mind how, sometimes, the very thing that sustains us, also repels us.

The moment quite fills the room, the need to snuff it out with noise arises and I find myself scrolling facebook videos or scrolling Netflix for yet another TV series to binge watch.

When I was younger, I filled my day with distractions so I never had to deal with the depression and the pain that I felt. The moment there was quiet, there were intense and painful feelings, and I desperately wanted to avoid them. I guess over the years, the noise has become a habit…my comfort zone. But I’m finding myself, more and more, drawn to just being present. Challenged to set aside the distractions that I’ve created, and fill myself with more than a barrage of shows, music and activities. To stop. To listen intently and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that I’m experiencing.

I’ve been thinking a lot on spiritual disciplines and practices. The things that help us practice relationship with God, and not just go through the motions of what we think it means to be a Christ follower.

The theme of leaving behind the frantic and pursuing peace has repeated itself over and over, and when something repeats itself, I pay attention.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” It starts with “Be still.” It begins with “Be.”

So I’m learning to just “be”. Learning that the quiet ushers in peace and a chance to hear my Fathers voice more clearly. God has so many things to say, but He doesn’t always speak with earthquakes or fire. Sometimes, it’s in the whisper of the wind, and we have to be quiet enough to hear it.