I’m Failing. And It’s Okay.
Pictured here is my bible propped up on a Boppy pillow, my coffee balanced on a (fantastic) book I’m reading for work, and what you don’t see is, surrounded by partially folded laundry. I haven’t actually showered in 3 days, I have zero groceries in the house, and my to-do list just KEEPS PILING.
But this is what my days look like right now. All of my roles, a Mom/wife/employee colliding into each other on a regular basis.
So I’ve began starting my days with this. I won’t open my work computer, fold the laundry or even brush my freaking teeth, until I’ve had my cup of coffee and spent some time with Jesus. Today that looked like 5 minutes of a sermon, and mostly journaling. I needed it to be personal, raw, vomiting my feelings towards Him and then receiving what He has to say back. I have a lot of those, feelings, and He’s the only one that can handle them.
I keep thinking about that quote from Martin Luther, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” I’m trying to live like that.
I have no idea how to get done all that I need to. My agenda for the day is derailed more often than it is followed . (Let’s be real, I have a 6mth old. It’s never followed.)
But I do know that I need to have the discipline to quiet myself before God on a regular basis, have HIM lead my day. I need to know what He has to say to me, His voice is the most important. I have a million things demanding my attention, but I can’t listen to them all at the same time.
I have to be okay with failing. With not being Mega Meagan. I’m not going to get to that email. We have to order pizza…again. But I’m going to seek after Jesus, I’m going to stare into my baby’s eyes several hours a day, and I’m going to have long talks with my husband after long days.
I have to remind myself constantly that I don’t have to keep up. That the fear of man is real, but it is not okay. People might think I’m lazy. Or selfish. Or incompetent.
But am I obedient?
Am I doing and being where God has me be?
I love what John Mark Comer said, “God is involved in your story to the degree that you open up your life to His discipleship.”
If I’m being honest, I’m still deciding the degree to which I want God to write my story. I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zones and letting Him take over. My nature is to take hold, be independent, and just do it myself. I need expectations, controllable results. But He doesn’t work like that. I’ve never regretted falling into His arms and letting Him carry me.
And right now, He’s asking me to make room for Him. To let something else fall apart so that I don’t. So here I am. Surrounded my partially folded laundry, a cold cup of coffee, and my Bible. Writing out my prayers. Listening for His voice. Ignoring those emails and text messages. (Okay, I answered ONE. I’m not perfect.)
I am a follower of Jesus first, a wife second, a Mom third, and everything else falls in line after that.
“If you love me, show it by doing what I’ve told you.” John 14:15 (MSG)